Let me start by admitting that this is not an original idea. Neither is a “Worst Of” award show, for that matter, but even some of the categories I will be using here are pulled directly from Dave Dameshek, who has, perhaps, the most entertaining podcast out there in the genre of the Game of Life. For what it’s worth, now is a great time to start listening to him. You’re not too late for this year’s Sheky Awards. Personally, I can’t wait to see what wins the Condiment of the Year or the Best Residual Cereal Milk award.
So with that out of the way, let the plagiarizing begin!
Best Fruit of 2015
I tried several fruits this year. Nobody will mistake me for a connoisseur, so this is a fairly limited field. Strawberries were quite tasty this year. Blueberries were good as always, but didn’t really stand out. Apples were good, but the overabundance of variety really weakened the field overall, splitting the votes. Oranges made a good showing while blackberries were underwhelming this year. Ultimately, the winner of this category can only be the White Peach, which blew the judges away with a combination of sweet flavor, firm but approachable texture, and just the right amount of juice. Bravo, White Peaches! You have shaken off the tartness that the yellow peach is known for and come into your own!
Favorite Meat of 2015
This category sounds pretty easy to decide until you look at the variety to be found. Dameshek limits this category to breakfast meat, but I have opened the field. Steak is a perennial contender, much like the New England Patriots, but it needs a special year to get over the top. I’ve had some fantastic Pork Chops from a local restaurant called “Nick and Willy’s” that are in the running and I am a huge fan of the Pulled Pork at Jethro’s, also in the Des Moines area. Chicken is also in the running, but has an annual hill to climb that is too steep. It’s the most consumed meat in our household, but it has a difficult time standing out. Enough already. The winner of the meat of the year is none other than a New York Strip Steak, which is so good I’m salivating as I write this! I just hope I’m invited to the NY Strip Steak’s after party, if you know what I mean.
Best Movie I Saw in 2015
I still get chills when I remember American Sniper. Star Wars The Force Awakens was a fantastic, but flawed flick that will not be fully judged until the new trilogy takes shape. Minions was a load of fun for the whole family. I watched Guardians of the Galaxy for the sixth time and enjoyed it just as much as the first. Jurassic World was just as good, if not as ground breaking as Jurassic Park (which I also watched this year). Back to the Future was a great movie! The Empire Strikes Back made a strong showing as a masterpiece. Maleficent was a better movie than I anticipated, making you feel actual sympathy for a character who wasn’t so much evil as she was scarred and misunderstood. The winner will have to be Saving Mr. Banks though. A heartwarming story that gives new appreciation for Mary Poppins.
Best Food-Producing Beast
Cows offer beef and milk. Chickens offer meat and eggs. I didn’t try anything from goats or frogs in 2015, so they are exempt from the category, but it makes no difference. If only one beast could provide sustenance and the others were permanently off the table (see what I did there?) then the only real choice to make is for the Pig to be the remaining animal to provide us with our options. Pork Chops made a strong case in an earlier category. Bacon is always tantalizing. Don’t forget your ham either! As much as I love a good steak, if I had to choose just one animal to eat from, it would be the pig.
Best Burger in the Des Moines Metro
For some reason, B-Bop’s claims the best burger, but this just can’t be! Fast Food is automatically disqualified from this category and not just because it’s fast, but because it’s not really food! A much better option can be found at places like B&B Grocery and Deli, who didn’t win this category but did win for best overall sandwich shop in the pre-awards ceremony. You can also visit the Ankeny Diner, which I did because the Iowa Cattleman’s Association claimed they were top 10. I sense a whiff of nepotism there… Ultimately, this award is granted to Gateway Market for their self-named burger. Sorry High Life Lounge, your burger is good, but it isn’t built to compete at this level. Guttenburgers would do better if they would allow us to choose how we prefer our meat cooked. Who steams burgers anyway?
