There are different seasons in the life of a Christian, but unlike the seasons of the weather these can be harder to forecast.
I go to a life group meeting every Tuesday night. Conversation, Bible study, and then the men and women separate for a time of prayer. The leaders have determined that both the men and the women can discuss certain matters more easily around others with similar struggles. For several weeks, I have struggled to find a prayer request that really hits home. I’ll talk about certain occupational struggles, broken relationships, my daughter’s progress in her apprenticeship program and her desire for a husband, so on and so forth. In terms of spiritual growth, I remain every bit as curious to delve deeper into the word of God. But sometimes that feels like it is an intellectual practice just a bit more than a spiritual practice.
I want to be blown away by deep truth. Perhaps this is due to the way I developed upon coming to faith. I would read books that were beyond my current level, write about what I had learned, and wrestle with the connections and ramifications. This worked well for me and I did grow rapidly. My writing seemed to demonstrate this so I was asked on occasion to “live blog” this or that pastor’s conference. As if I had some great insight to share! So I would sit in the back of an auditorium, collecting profound concepts and grasping at the challenge to put them into practice in my own life despite a marriage that was crumbling around me. I had come to faith. She had not, and was actively opposed to my development. That is a story for another time, I suppose.
I do have a few irons in the fire. I am studying to present the final chapter of Jonah for another life group that I am leading. I am studying the Heidelberg Catechism in preparation to achieve a license to exhort, which is a prerequisite to fill in when a local pastor in our denomination is away. I am adding New Testament cross references to my Old Testament, wondering why Bibles didn’t already do this. I am reading a few books, making connections from Genesis 3 to… everything else. I’m busy!
But all of this can have a tendency to be a strictly intellectual matter. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up, to quote 1 Corinthians 8:1. Yes, there is another context there. But the principle can be carried into other matters also. All this to ask, do you ever feel puffed up with all you have been contemplating? Is your study leaving you feeling more two dimensional than you would prefer? Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, there is a remedy for this. I’m sure there are several, but this one is out of my hands. Much like the weather.
I lost an uncle just recently. And at the same time I lost him a couple years ago. He had been in a nursing home not far away with dementia, across the hall from my father who is also losing himself to dementia. Their mother had this disease for probably a decade, and the family would visit and have the same conversations with her multiple times, every time. It is a malady that feels like a slow erosion of who that person is. You slowly say to that loved one everything you wish you could after they are gone, never knowing if they are still present or not. For years I couldn’t ask my grandmother any more questions. I haven’t been able to engage with my father or my uncle for a few years even now. It is a slow fading away and it hurts a bit more with each visit, until the visits are concluded.
My uncle Roger breathed his last the Wednesday before Easter, and immediately breathed in the air of Heaven, with his full self whole again. He awaits the resurrection of the body when his healing will be complete, but he is more alive now than he ever had been before. It seems just last week he and my father were quizzing each other about the Bible. Where is the “love” chapter? What is the definition of hope? How do we know that Jesus will return? They had studied their bibles from their youth and that carried them into their final days.
John 5:39 You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me
It has dawned on me that their study isn’t just in the content of the Bible. Knowing your Bible is a good thing and I would never discount it! But these men weren’t studying just to quiz each other someday in the struggle against a slipping mind. They were studying to know Jesus better. I seek connections in the Bible, showing that it is a unified account written by 40+ authors over 1500 years in 3 languages and across a large geographical area by men representing a variety of social and economic classes. And through all of that, it is a book with Jesus at the epicenter. As I have been doing so, they have been clinging to the person of Jesus and the promises given to those found in Him.
I think I could find a bit more balance between my approach and theirs. My approach is not superior and neither is theirs. Both have Jesus as the focal point and they are each different lenses for us to marvel at the greatness of God. The lens is dim on this side of glory. Roger now sees his greatest hope face to face.
I am the first generation of people in my family to follow a Reformed path. There is a strong Christian influence on both sides, but it has been a tradition that is wary of tradition. Instead of creeds and catechisms we had charts and lists of verses for any meaningful question that might come up. I doubt Roger ever read the Heidelberg, but knowing him as long as I have I believe he would affirm the first question and answer.
Q. What is your only comfort in life and in death?
A. That I am not my own, but belong—body and soul, in life and in death—to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.
He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil. He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven; in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.
Because I belong to him, Christ, by his Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him.
All this to say that I had struggled to find something to pray about on Tuesday nights. God knows your needs more than you do. He provides your daily bread. He gives you every good gift. So sometimes I would say that my prayer is one of thankfulness. That is good! But the other guys seek prayer for difficulties as young fathers, trying to find their way in their professions, seeking encounters with people in their worlds who don’t believe but are open to learn about Jesus. They are going through the uncertainties that I still remember. I pray for them and provide some experienced council.
Ecclesiastes 7:2 It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.
And then we lost Roger. Like I said before, I had been mourning his loss along with the loss of my dad. I couldn’t connect with either of them like I once had. I remember hearing about Roger’s teaching career and his coaching young track and field athletes along with the wrestling team. He was in the Army National Guard band, and I remember him playing the echo for taps over a hill once. Whether it was for a funeral or for Memorial Day I don’t recall. But it stood out. Everything Roger did seemed to stand out.
It is good to celebrate happy occasions, but it is better to have an occasional reminder that what we see around us is not the finality of the experience God has for those who seek after Him. I remember losing my last grandparent and noting that each of the uncles and aunts were now the top of their own family tree. Now the generation just above me is beginning to fade. This is my second uncle that I’ve lost and there will be more. Then my generation will be on deck.
The day after we lost Roger we went to a MercyMe concert. I was mentally engaged, not shell shocked from an unexpected loss. The three musical acts we watched were all great, and I found myself engaging with them more than I normally would. My intellectual outer shell had cracked with the new thoughts in my mind and I was able to take to heart even better what was being presented for our consideration. It is better sometimes to mourn than to celebrate. Every exhale requires you to inhale. And that statement is just as true if you reverse the verbs. There is balance and order to it.
I am coming on deck to meet Jesus. Maybe tomorrow, maybe after another forty years. I don’t need to know what time I have remaining. God has numbered every one of my days. That is for Him to know and for me to trust in His provision. I belong, body and soul, to Jesus. So does my father. So does Roger. I look to Jesus dimly. I presume my dad’s view is even more clouded. Roger sees with perfect clarity. To that degree, I envy him. But I do not seek to join him as soon as possible. To live is Christ and to die is gain.
The best takeaway I have as we prepare to enter the house of mourning early next week is this. If living is Christ, let us all live for Christ while we are here. I can be forgotten one day, but let my testimony reach others, maybe even just one, who will tell others who will tell others of the greatness of Jesus to save despite all that we are. Death holds no sting for those in Jesus. Not a reduced sting. No sting whatsoever.
